Where I have been & what to expect...

So I know I have been seriously slacking on blogging and I am hoping to be better about it. It might help me wrap my head around everything that has been happening lately.

Brief updates...and a preview of what to expect next few blog posts to be about....
1. New job
2. Moving date...3/1/13
3. Engagement
4.Taper/Marathon/Weekend away
5.Planning baby shower for my sister
6. Best friend debacle
7.Big girl lifestyle

Sitting with Jane Scott, Rock&Roll reporter..she was giving me blogging tips!

I'm still in a daze from everything the last few weeks have brought me.... but I am still here and not going anywhere, regardless of if anyone actually reads this crazy tragic mess of words.

Oh what a difference a year makes(or does it?)

So it has been a little under a year since my last blog post...I suppose its time to start again.
As I sit here trying to look at how things have changed in a year, I realize how they are so much the same too. "The more things change the more they stay the same"

Some of the different, but yet not so different things from October 2011-October 2012

Relationship Status
Oct 2011: Long term relationship with someone who didn't respect the things that are important to me, took me for granted, I spent a LOT of time alone, I had to be the one to take care of everything, found myself looking for the things I needed in places they just would never be. Very emotional time, being with someone who doesn't make time for you (even when you live together), someone who doesn't make you feel wanted or needed or desired, someone who takes everything you do for them for granted, disrespects anything that's important to you, doesn't support you when you need it most....
Oct 2012: No longer in that relationship, spend a lot of time alone, but have a much better support system this year, struggling with trying to find someone who can give me what I need, and who will appreciate all I have to offer. The question still remains, will I ever find someone who will make me a priority?

Running Status
Oct 2011: Recovering from a #marathonfail, well not really...Rochester 26.2 was hardly a #marathonfail, it was  PR, but not a BQ and the first time EVER having to walk during a race. Mentally I was struggling trying to tell myself that one race doesn't define you. I was training for a race (Harrisburg 26.2) that was going to be my redemption race. But more than anything my running was being fueled by the stress and emotional turmoil of everything going on in my life.
Oct 2012: Due to my shitty car accident in April (which left me with a totaled car, Broken foot, Nerve damage in my feet and legs, and a whole mess of other shit-tastic problems), I shouldn't be able to run right now. At the time doctors told me it would be at least 6 months before I could try running. But major life changes (break-up, move home, career path possibly changing, everything) fueled my desire to run even more and I had to prove the doctors wrong, and I did. Here I am again, October, in the middle of marathon training for a November race, hoping to BQ. Pushing boundaries, and letting my running be fueled by stress and emotions that are running my life, not always bad things the good can fuel too. I feel like I am running smarter and stronger this year, which is weird, but hey whatever works.

Living Situation
Oct 2011: living with the boyfriend, who did nothing to help with anything. I spent a lot of time alone, and it didn't feel like home. Lived in a small town, where I knew no one. Hated it, no one ran in the town, only good thing is the beautiful trail that was nearby.
Oct 2012: :Living in The 'city' now with my best friend who moved back from Florida, its me, her and her boyfriend ( and his 3 year old son a few days a week), its weird...but its nice. Erin and I get along so well because we have been best friends for 7 years. We are crazy together and I love her but we are different in a lot of ways too. And I constantly feel like the 3rd wheel living with a couple. UGH.So again, I spend a lot of time alone too. One big thing I love about where we are though, is I am so close to everything, there are so many people running, and biking and doing healthy things all the time around here, its a great thing to see that and be around it, It is a positive influence.

Job Situation
Oct 2011: Being waitress extraordinaire, dealing with drama of working in bar/restaurant....taking some classes, trying to figure out if I still want to finish Nursing school (there's many reasons behind this...that is a whole other issue.)
Oct 2012: Still being waitress and hostess with the mostess. But dear god get me out of this Biz. I want normal hours and stability. Resumes out, applications in, interviews to be had. Someone please just give me something better. Still not sure what to do about school.

Stance on Life in General
Oct 2011: Running from life, running from problems, cant see the bright side. Struggling to hold on to anything.
Oct 2012: I know there is good out there, I know that one day everything will all make sense, I know that there is someone for me, that a BQ can be had, that a better job is waiting. But damnit, why do I have to be so patient. I am 25, young enough to have so much time ahead, but do I have to wait to start the rest of my life when I am beyond ready to start it now?


I feel like so much has changed and so much is the same.
LAME.

Respecting the Distance

I always heard the phrase "respect the distance" regarding the marathon, and thought I understood it, that was until last night. Last night while having a conversation with Will before falling asleep, I found the true power of that phrase. All it took was a few words to feel like it was completely being disrespected, and my guard went up and I went on the defense. FYI language might not be very appropriate today, Ill try to keep it clean, but man this got my fired up last night.

A little insight for you on the conversation that solidified that phrase for me last night

•  Do you really need someone there? how is it different from any other race....?
• (Are you kidding me...whats the difference between a little 5k and a marathon, I don't know, 23.1 Miles, depletion of every ounce of energy, mental battles. Even the difference between a half and a full, it's like saying walking a mile and walking a mile with an elephant on your back is the same thing. NO, I don't NEED someone there, I'm a big girl, I go to plenty of races alone, but would it be easier, YES. Knowing that somewhere along the course I see a familiar face with a smile and a little cheer to give me a boost to get through those hard miles, easier to have someone hand stuff off to me at certain miles so I don't have to carry everything on me like a fucking pack mule, easier to cross the finish line knowing that there is someone to hold me up if I don't want to stand, to tell me I did amazing even if It wasn't my best time, or to scream and congratulate me If I do what I went there to do?? If you don't think a marathon is different from another race, you don't respect the distance.)
•  So what you have a bad race, you just get in the car and go home, whats the big deal?
• (If only it was that simple for me. Having a bad marathon is not the same as a 5k or another race. If it's pain that made it bad, its not ordinary pain its I-just-ran-for3+hours-every-damn-bone-in-my-body-hurts-and-I-don't-have-energy-to-lift-the-water-cup-to-my-face-pain. If its the mental battle that made it bad, its dealing with the emotions and stress of weeks and months of hard training going down the drain, not reaching your goal no matter how hard you tried, and facing my number one fear, failure. It's not, oh Ill just run another one tomorrow and Ill feel better, it's- I'm not going to want to get out of bed tomorrow because I'm going to feel like shit mentally and physically. SO yeah, finishing a marathon is great, it a goal within itself, But when you are training hard and you try and push yourself to the next level, its hard to accept finishing as your achievement. Yes I have had races where I threw my hands in the air and was happy to finish, but that doesn't mean that that little voice in your head saying " did you do everything? what if you did  this instead of that and maybe you would have been faster" goes away. Its not that simple. Yes, After the Rochester Marathon, I went home that night and signed up for another marathon 8 weeks away because I was mad at myself for not BQ, or that I had to stop and walk a few times. So yes, I went and got back on the horse and took my pride and buried it in 8 more weeks of training. But that doesn't mean its not easy, doesn't mean I don't have times where I over analyze everything about that race, and where I went wrong. Harrisburg is coming up quick...and having a bad race half hour from home is one thing, but traveling 5+ hours away and having a bad race and having all that time to drive home and think about it all, I want to avoid that being a negative after race.
•  Just go out and run, it's not like it'g going to make or break something for you.
• (NO, it wont break me, YES you just go out and run. But all the planning and effort and hard work and training, makes it worth something. NO, it't not going to define me but that doesn't mean I don't want to do well. YES it will make me a stronger person either way, but isn't reaching for a goal a good thing? Isn't striving for something and digging deep for determination important? Yes I will wake up the next day regardless (unless that damn wall falls down and crushes me....which I haven't ruled out as a possibility). But if I am going into a race, with a goal of something like time or BQ or something, then that is what I am setting out to do. If I am going to do a marathon for fun and to relax and make that kind of experience out of it (Which I promised Amber that I would do...our goal is the marathon in France that has wine at each water stop...oh hell yes, that's on my bucket list, and I will walk and run and drink and laugh and be merry) than that is another story.
•  Yes the distance is insane, but I don't understand what the big deal is....
• Have you ever ran for 3+ hours, No? okay talk to me when you have and tell me how you feel about it afterwards? Do you know what it feels like when you hit mile 20 or 21 or 22 and say 'are you fucking kidding me, this thing is not over yet, I'm not sure if I am going to make it', Have you ever felt your body run out of glycogen stores and be completely running on empty, NO I'm not talking about those days where you worked really long hours and were so tired when you got home your head hit the pillow and you were instantly out. I'm talking about blinking as being work because you are so drained, and all you can do is say one foot in front of the other, because your body wont do it for you anymore.
• What is there to get emotional about at the finish line of a marathon?
• Watching all these people finish this huge accomplishment. Seeing little kids jump in the last little bit, to run with mommy or daddy across that finish line for an experience of a lifetime. Seeing crowds of families with signs and posters watching and waiting and screaming for their loved ones. Seeing the pain, and victory and defeat all in one facial expression as they approach the finish, or the sigh of relief when they finally cross after a 26.2 miles of pure determination. Feeling overwhelming accomplishment for reaching your goal and knowing that everything you did, all those training runs and extra carbs were all for a good reason. Feeling defeat, not reaching the goal you wanted knowing how hard you worked for it.  Or crossing the finish line, seeing no one you know, or seeing those closest to you, standing there not making a noise. (That's when I say thank you Amber, for screaming and hugging me and cheering me on at the finish, when parents and boyfriend stood there not making a sound.). Call me a freaking baby, but there is a hell of a lot to be emotional about at the finish line of a marathon. So screw you and your lack of emotions towards anything of importance in your life. This stuff is important to me so you bet your ass it's gonna get emotional sometimes!

 Now don't get me wrong, I know plenty of people who do respect the distance. I, myself am not sure if I ever respected it fully until I did one, and than another. So yes, until you do one, you might not understand it, you might think it's insane ( I know I used to, and well I still do think 26.2 miles is insane..), you might wonder why something that can stress you out and cause so much pain, is something you are willing to put yourself through time and time again. Just because you don't understand or respect it or have the desire to do it, doesn't mean you have the right to disrespect it with words and actions. Keep that shit to yourself please, because quite frankly, I don't want to hear it.

Has the Levy Broken?

If we are in an emotional mess, life and stress, work, relationships, everything, does your environment start to follow? I look around, and I see stacks of laundry that haven't been put away, dishes that have been in the sink for a few days, a bed that's un-made, stack of mail and bills that I have yet to go through. Maybe my emotional state is worse than I was figuring. I know I am stressed right now, I know I am dealing with a lot of emotional issues, but is there a way around the environmental overflow? I know, I know, force myself to get off my ass and clean and maintain my life rather than sitting down and blogging about it. But I am curious, has anyone ever seen everything follow their emotional suit? How do we stop the emotional levy from breaking, and affecting every aspect of our life? Or is it all simple a coincidence, we just stress so much and have so much going on in our lives and cleaning and maintaining our environment takes a back seat to everything.

When the levy breaks, do we know it, or is it too late? When our emotional well being starts invading every other aspect of our lives, how do you deal without drowning in the flood of it all? Id like to think I am one who maintains good control of my life, but right now the littlest things are making me feel like that levy broke and I'm drowning in messes, and un-done to do lists, missed workouts and faded energy.

Missing runs and workouts has left me feeling vulnerable and confused. I cant decide whether to be angry at myself and force myself to get out there, or to just let it go and give myself the time (even though I don't have the time to waste, training is a full time gig). But is being hard on myself going to make things any better? Does guilting myself into feeling bad actually help me in the long run or is it just adding fuel to the emotional fire? My goal for this coming marathon was to have fun with it and take it easy and go into it with the mentality of one last one for the year. But I cant help from being stressed about it, wanting to do well, wanting to PR or BQ. Wanting to prove to everyone that I can succeed at more than just shorter races. I have done 2 marathons already this year and plenty of other races, Been successful, but something leaves me with this lingering feeling of failure. None of my training for any of my races has been great, too many missed workouts, too many shorted weeks or changed plans. I cant help but wonder if my emotional flood impacted that. Would my race outcomes have been different? I'm trying not to let this affect my attitude heading into the next marathon, but I know that it is.

How do we stop the flood? Is it even possible. If we cant control our emotional well being for a while, are we doomed to have it make a mess of everything else in our lives as well? Are we doomed to messy lives, missed workouts, un-motivated days, pushing the ones we love away?

It's your life.....

Who died and crowned me everybody's everything-----By the time I get home there's not an ounce of sanity----is it against the law for me to get what I need?? ((LeAnn Rimes))

My phone has been blowing up all week of everyone needing everything, and I am at my wits end. God forbid there be some time for me to do something for myself...and then I get criticized for having a wine and girl night last night and not coming home (would you rather I drive the hour after sharing a huge bottle of wine?)...Everyone needs something, but they don't wanna work for it themselves. I can't always do everything for everyone. When did taking responsibility for your own life go out of style? (was it ever in...?)

This kind of relates to how I feel about people who make excuses about their weight. I have nothing against overweight people, what bothers me is the people who want to complain and blame it on others and say they cant lose the weight. There are millions of people in this world who drag their butts out of bed and exercise and eat right and take responsibility for their actions, why is that such a hard concept for people to grasp. Please stop blaming your life on other people. It's your life and its your responsibility. 

*OWN IT*LOVE IT*LIVE IT*

The Journey---